Don't have to do work in this class! Let's talk them out of giving us that assignment! Who wants to play hookey??
Well, when you actually work for a school district, substitutes suck.
I should know, I used to be one.
I'm not speaking of actual teacher substitutes, only "teacher's aide" substitutes (TAS). Yes, it is the second shittiest placement in a school after janitor, thank you very much.
Anyway, being a former TAS myself, I know how incredibly difficult the application and hiring process is for this occupation. Allow me to walk you through it:
Step 1: Submit résumé into the school district's website.
Step 2: Receive a phone call within 24 hours, informing you that you have been hired.
Step 3: Get fingerprinted and begin working on the same day.
Step 4 (optional): Irritate the hell out of all the people you work with, because you FUCKING SUCK.
I, of course, have never ventured to complete this 4th step, but pretty much every sub I've met in the 2 years I've worked for SFUSD has. And this should come as no surprise, seeing as the job requirements to become a substitute teacher's aide are a computer and a pulse.
Okay, plus like 60 units of college work...but still. These people are legitimately insane. Ask anyone who is actually qualified to work in schools.
To some of these people, there is a very fine line between "paid employee" and "creepy elder sitting quietly in the corner and staring at children for 6 hours". And they cross it...all day long. Most of them, if not already in a deep sleep (true story), only get up off their ass and out of their chair when it's time for their "breaks" (seriously, you need 3 in a 6-hour work day?? jesus, no wonder you don't have a real job) that they themselves have taken the time to conveniently plot into their schedule, unbeknownst to the rest of us who are actually, oh I dunno, WORKING.
I kid you not - our class had a sub last week that did not know how to SLICE AN APPLE. She wasn't a foreigner, and she wasn't in a placenta, so it's not like she had never encountered this strange fruit before. Granted, she was pretty ghetto, so she may have never eaten one before, but certainly, she had at least SEEN one....right?!!?
Anyway, after our teacher asked her to slice a few pieces for the kids' snack time, she turned to me for approval with two distraught eyes, "Megan, is this right?"
I stared down at her cruel annihilation of a perfectly harmless apple. This was the oddest rendition of "slicing a few pieces" I'd ever seen, with the fruit cut into rock-like bits of all different shapes and sizes, quickly browning in all their pathetic-ness.
"Well, that's certainly not the most conventional way I've seen it done," I replied grimly, as I assured her that I would step up to bravely attempt the difficult task at hand.
"Oh I see, mm hmm...oh yeah, okay" -her intermittent comments during my stellar apple-slicing performance.
Because my idiot-tolerance has been at an all time low during the past few months while I struggle through a (hopefully brief) dry spell in my sexual life, I honestly expected myself to explode on the spot. Instead, I shoved all of her useless apple rock pieces into my mouth to shut myself up, and began handing out my ...well, NORMAL, slices out to the kids. I've never been more proud of my (previously not recognized as existent) culinary abilities.
All right, so I admit I went off a bit on a tangent, (seriously, who doesn't know how to slice AN APPLE!?!?) but the moral of the story is:
1. subs suck
2. ghetto people need more fruit in their lives. And knives with which to learn how to cut said fruit.
No, no, wait. Definitely just the fruit.
No comments:
Post a Comment