The End of an Era

This week, something tragic happened. No, it wasn't me getting a bad grade on an exam, getting fired from a job, or failing horribly at my personal life for the 549th time (all things that did, in fact, happen this week). No, something even worse.

I found out that Saltines are made with high fructose corn syrup.


Now, stop right there: I know what you're thinking.
"Umm, DUH!"
or, perhaps even,
"Saltines? who gives a fuck? Those things taste like shit anyway"
or, MAYBE, if you're really dumb enough, even,
"Who cares? High fructose corn syrup's in everything, why try to avoid it?"

But you don't UNDERSTAND!!!

Throughout my entire 21 years and 20 days on this planet, Saltines (and the eating thereof) have stood as THE symbol of utmost comfort and sentimentality to my heart. You see, when my mom was pregnant with me, her most frequent, bizarre food craving wasn't ice cream, cheese, pickles, or all of the above puréed together in a blender. No, my friends, it was Saltines. Humbly consumed by placing one cracker at a time, salty side down, onto her salivating tongue for a period of 1-2 minutes, or until said cracker was completely soggy. I'm not sure that you can even call this peculiar routine "consumption" when, once fully soft and salt-free, the cracker was then taken out of her mouth and thrown out. Maybe an anorexic could/is the only person that would care to make a case for this practice passing as "nourishment".
Regardless, it was Saltines (or, at least, their salty tops) that stood by my preggy, moody, ruthlessly demanding mama's side during her 9 months carrying what would soon become her most regrettable orgasm yet.

And, as a result, it has been Saltines that have been there for me, unfalteringly salty, crispy, and ready for toppings, in my most darkest of dire, hungry, shit-i'm-poor-where's-the-cheap-snacks? moments.

Alas, I now have no other choice but to search for my beautiful mother in her second most frequent craving while she was pregnant with me.
(No, not sex with my dad, sicko!)
Fat, siamese cats.

...yeah, screw that, where's the Trader Joe's version of Saltines??? Anyone??
Nooooooooooooo