ATTN You: Shut Up.

Seeing as I have about 2 friends to date, I really don't have any business being picky when it comes to acquiring new ones. However, in concordance with my self-contradictory nature, I am. Like, reeeally picky. In addition to my growing misanthropy, I've also been developing a deeply rooted aversion to an increasingly popular breed of humans, those which I have taken the liberty of calling "Leeches".

You know the type: One week they're into yoga, then religion, then some newfangled diet/rhinoplasty operation, then a new career path, then a certain vacation destination, then a new significant other, then some new club/clothing style/friend group; the list goes on and on, and with each new interest comes the conviction that THIS thing is THE ANSWER to their problems, emptiness, dissatisfaction, etc. Searching, searching, searching, always to no avail. All talk + no action = the most annoying people to have a conversation with.

Regardless of whatever it happens to be that strikes their fancy for the duration of one whole week, all of a Leech's interests have one thing in common: they're being used by said Leech as an outlet in which to find some sort of overarching fulfillment/happiness/purpose in life.
They're being used as a means to an end: one that hasn't been clearly defined, or even proven to exist, but rather subsists off of idealistic, delusional egos housed within the self-obsessed minds of myopic addicts.

Yes, addicts. Those who are addicted to the impossible idea of discovering peace (another debatable concept, but one that I like to define by at least a 90/10 happy/sad feeling ratio during any given week) through physical objects, new-aged practices, other people/places/jobs, and any/all other earthly matter that isn't WITHIN THEIR OWN THOUGHTS!! What Leeches fail to notice, and what most certainly cannot be politely pointed out to them during a conversation about their NEW (BOOB) JOB THAT IS GOING TO MAKE THEIR LIFE SOOOO MUCH BETTER, is the fact that no amount of outside factors is going to create a lasting sense of accomplishment or tranquility. Contentedness with life is something that you yourself must create within your own head, at least if you wish these feelings to endure beyond the week, month, and even year.

People give me shit for being obsessed with Woody Allen, but I absolutely must give his overly-repetitive films due credit for exposing me to the cyclical, somber reality of life (and Scarlett Johansson's sexiness) at an early age. Nothing goes the way we (THINK WE) want it to in life, and, frankly, none of our earthly efforts amount to jack shit.

Depressing? Fear-inciting? Well-maybe-if-I-buy-every-manufactured-good-offered-to-mankind-it-will-change-this-bleak-situation?
No way: simply... LIFE.

Life boasts too many different shades of gray. Explore as many as you can, without bringing any sort of society-instilled expectations, and for the love of God, without changing your mind every god damn month. BE OKAY WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR PLACE ON EARTH FIRST, then venture out into the world. If you let them, exciting things will happen.
And then you will die.

And don't forget: those who had the newest iPhone version (at time of death), visited over 30 countries, and/or did yoga 3-5 times a week get first dibs on who they are in their next life.
Keep on truckin'.